Signs

There were signs everywhere. There were. I saw them. I don’t remember ever seeing a hard left hairpin turn or a lake to the right of it before though. Damn I don’t really remember much other than the signs before my Rav4 hit the water. 

I got the window down before the car completely submerged. I struggled to get my seatbelt unhooked and my middle-aged ass up from the seat. My weekend work boots were caught on the steering wheel. I was sinking with the car. Everything was in slow motion, everything but my drowning. The fear of it was beginning to move real fast. 

I squirmed out the window before pushing off from the side of the car. Never having been much of a swimmer, all of the kicking and pulling were making little headway against the weight of my work clothes. I stroked and pulled like I never had before. Just as I was losing hope and strength I got to where moonlight could be seen through the water. Frantically I pumped my legs and swung my arms. The closer surface became the thicker the water got. The thicker the water became the harder I pulled. 

As I was finally about to break through the surface, the water began to change…..into straw. 

I pulled and clawed my way through the straw. Suddenly my wet head popped through. I then forced my right arm and shoulder up through the straw. After successfully grabbing something solid to hold onto, I took a long breath trying to find calm. As I looked at my surroundings the first things I noticed after the straw were vertical iron bars and a sign which in a clear font stated, “Don’t feed the lion!”

“Don’t Feed The LION”, WTGDF? My inner voice screamed. A FFing god damn lion?

I spun around, looking but not seeing. With less than half of my 19 year old body out of the straw pile I had a very poor vantage point. Trying to remain calm I struggled, gaining purchase on the chaff underneath me. Finally I freed myself and I rolled onto my back. I tried to catch my breath. While on my back the only things visible were iron bars on the ceiling and walls, and straw almost everywhere else. The cage smelled moldy like a giant ass kitty litter box. The biggest litter box my brain could imagine. 

Moving into a kneeling position I saw along the fourth side a sandy-coloured pile of fur about the same size as my mother’s loveseat. Fighting off teenage hysteria I headed towards the nearest wall. Trying to contain the frenzy building in my head, I began squeezing between the bars. Thinking thin thoughts, I started with my left arm and shoulder. Forcing my head through my left ear was scratched badly enough that blood began dripping on my Mötley Crüe t-shirt. Squeezing my upper body between the bars I heard a shuffling sound over my right shoulder.  

Twisting, I turned my head as much as I could. Sitting upright licking its left paw was the biggest god damn cat I would have ever imagined. She looked hungry and amused. Actually it looked hungry, amused and interested. Fighting panic, I renewed my efforts to get out. Cursing my giant-ass belt buckle collection I got my midsection unhooked and through the bars. My rushed efforts to get out of the cage were then slowed by the cell phone in my rear pocket. 

Over the riot in my head I began to hear the sound of a cat purring. I turned to look again and the lion queen was closer than before. Looking hungry and amused. I leaned out sideways far enough I was able to get my right shoulder and arm out. I grabbed the bars with both arms and shoved with every ounce of strength I had left. As I was getting the impression the cat was sniffing me, I popped through the bars like I was squeezed out of the biggest zit that ever existed. I landed hard on a gravel bed. Looking around, the cage and lion were gone. I was safe. Then a sign caught my eye: “WARNING! Trains may exceed 90KM/HR!”

“T R A I N!! Well F the hell off” My mom didn’t think at 12 I should be cursing but what-the-F? I rolled over onto my front and realized as I was pushing myself up that I was in a tunnel between a set of train tracks. I jumped up and pumped my legs faster than I had ever run before. My Chuck Taylor high-tops were kicking up gravel as I raced towards the closer tunnel opening. I didn’t know how often trains ran on the track but as my luck seemed to be going I had the sense that one was coming up to the other end of my tunnel. I slowed to look over my shoulder I could see a train coming, fast. I don’t know much about trains but this one seemed to have a really big headlight.

I doubled up on my speed. I never ran as fast as I was able to in that moment. Faster than I ever did before. I turned to look at how close the train was my distraction caused me to stumble and fall. I shrieked obscenities as I jumped back up, barely losing any time. The train was catching up much faster than I thought reasonable. I gave up running, there was no use. My legs froze. I began to scream as I waited for the train to cover the remaining distance. All I could see at the end was the headlight. It completely filled the expanse of the tunnel. The last thing I saw before I closed my eyes was the light.

“Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!” I wasn’t being splattered by the train. I was shaken awake by my mom. “Wake up, Nick, your school bus will be here in 15 minutes”.

As I stumbled into the kitchen the radio station my parents listen to was playing the tail end of the Les Emmerson song. He was singing “Sign, sign, Everywhere a sign, Blockin' out the scenery, Breakin' my mind, Do this, don't do that, Can't you read the sign?, Sign, sign, Everywhere a sign”